Transition

Today, I re-arranged my blogger. I just realized that this blog has been with me for so long now and giving it up would really be a bad option. Besides, I really need to preserve my writing skills since ever since I went out of the Philippines, my English has gradually been deteriorating to some extent.

The title was placed as such primarily because I believe that I am in a transition phase. Yes, figures wise, my numerical age does not stop from increasing every year but experience wise, I think, I am also gaining a lot. I once said that if I have the chance, I will be a person who is able to live her life to the fullest. I believe I am getting there.

I really feel happy with the wonderful opportunities I am receiving right now and as a famous saying says, I just want to enjoy the days as they pass by. I just hope that life will get better and better each day.

To God be the glory!

have not written in ages

yes!! and i have my very busy schedule to blame for that.
but looking back, i think i miss writing.

and i miss putting things to perspective.
i miss writing ideas and i miss being creative.
i said to myself that i should accomplish more once i got the chance to break out with the environment i used to have and i guess, little by little, i do that..
but i guess i am still the old me.
no need to change anyway, right?

there are so many things i want to share.
fears, frustrations, joys, etc.
and maybe as the days go by, i'll be able to put a piece of myself here again.
so that later on, i have something to cherish and look back.

i missed you blogger!
be prepared to be replenished one of these days!!

heart

Hello blogger!

It has been a very long time since I wrote here and from that time a lot of things have changed. As you see, I chose the path that is not always taken and now, I find myself enjoying it so far.

But not everything is as smooth. There are some facets of life wherein I find myself confused, perplexed, lost. And it's not easy knowing what to do.

Some years from now, I don't know what will happen and I don't know if I will regret the decisions I have been making. But I just keep praying to God that whatever happens, may His blessing and Love be with me always.

venting out

My blog is gradually becoming my rant blog. Sorry for that. On the other hand, I am thinking, why would I blog of things that will make me appear as an unhappy person, right? But isn't it that blogs are meant to showcase one's life's reflections? And therefore, to mirror the truth? What if, just what if, right now I just don't feel like blogging "happily"? I have the right, right?

Right now (Yes, that's the 5th time I said 'right'. Ops, 6th), humor aside, I feel tired. I feel sad but not so much. Maybe I just lack sleep that's why I feel stressed. But definitely, I have a lurking feeling inside that does not belong to the Positive Side. (That, I am not ashamed to admit.) Maybe I am panicking inside. YES. I am panicking inside. Right now I am thinking what I have made out of my God given life and how I changed from the person I was to the person I am right now. But I always know who I want to be. And I am struggling to be that person. I still want to do a lot of things. The feeling of being constrained is somehow making me feel inadequate. I am so dependent on the people around me, at least for now. And I feel weird. Just weird. And sleepy.

Maybe this is the effect of my being so busy. I have so many things to do but right now, I am not able to use my time wisely. I am optimistic. It's just that somehow, the feeling of being sad makes me aware that I still need to live my life to its full essence. Life is not equivalent to fulfilling your responsibilities or carrying the problems of the world in your shoulders. Life means happiness too, and yes, understanding of what and where happiness is.

I love my blog. It instantly makes me feel better.
I am in control but God is in control of me.
Everything will settle and will be fine. I am optimistic. Oh, scrap that. I am sure.

at the middle

Hi there blogger. It's been a long time sine I told you about what's happening in my life. Something major I don't want you to miss, I had dengue.

I never thought that it can happen to me but it did. And it was surreal. I had rashes all over my body but I am so thankful to God that I came out of it alive. Thanks Lord! :D

As the title says, I am right now in the middle. AGAIN.
I am in the middle of deciding whether to go and chase Japan again or just to stay here and work here instead. Heck, I only have until tomorrow to decide.

Both companies are really good. That is why I am having a hard time.
I know that right now, staying would be a much safer option but what do I know? I have been undergoing an intensive Japanese Language training since June and giving up would mean that somehow, all those efforts were futile after all. Yet, I can't discount the fact that I learned a new language after all. Who knows if I can use that in the future?

Nihongo is hard. Actually, it is one of the major reasons why I am really thinking twice about going to Japan. If I go, I need to pay about a Million Yen if I want to go home before the contract ends. Now, what will I do about Radiation stuff too? I don't know. I am torn about this stuff too. Different websites tell different things and the truth, TEPCO only knows. I am scared. But my friends in Japan are fine and they say that Tokyo is fine. Now, should I really still be bothered?

My offer here is the best offer I can receive here so far. Salary is SOOOO good that it can be compared to what I can get in Japan. It is also an international company with so many good benefits but some are saying that the work will be somehow stressful. Still, I have dreamt of working for this company before my Japan option became available.

My biggest regret really is that this local company gave me the offer just two weeks ago. And while I asked for an extension to finally finally decide and they have given it to me, I am still having a big dilemma.

If I stay here, will I ever regret that I did not take the challenge? Will I settle here and be here forever? Will I feel sad when the time comes that I open my Facebook and I see my supposed to be Batchmates in Japan post some pictures of their travels? What? Will I be happy here when prior to the Tohoku Earthquake, I have built my dreams in Japan? Nah.

If I choose Japan, will there be a guarantee that I will not experience large earthquakes or the adverse effect of breathing/eating contaminated air/food? Yet, is there really something I should worry about? Will I survive with Nihongo? Will I be happy even when I am away from my family? Will I really be fulfilled and will I really get the growth there? Well, the last two questions can also apply to the first option.

THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT STAGE OF MY LIFE.

I can go there or here and I know that I just have to take the leap.
I thank God that I have good options. and I thank God that He allows me to choose.
I have asked for a million signs already. But I know that in the end, God wants me to decide. To stand for what I believe in and do what I think is appropriate.

I know that I should not really worry about making the right decision. I just have to make whatever I will choose right. But with Japan, somehow, there are so many things I can't control. So am I saying that I should stay here instead? If I stay, I need to pay a lot of things. Nah.

This is so confusing. God, please enlighten me. AMEN.

current realizations :D

Yes I know I have been out of this space for the longest time since I decided to become active here again. Nah, I was about to say "I have a very good excuse" but then I suddenly remembered the main reason why I opened this page again.

It is to state this crucial statement in my life right now.
"STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND DO YOUR BEST INSTEAD."

Conditions/factors may not always be ideal but it doesn't mean that IDEAL results are not possible.

Strive harder. Cliche.
Work harder. Cliche.
Be the best you can be and make the most out of what you have. Not so cliche.
IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING, THE UNIVERSE WILL CONSPIRE WITH YOU TO ACHIEVE IT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN. (The Alchemist)

Maybe I am writing this to inspire myself. To give myself a push. To make me realize that Yes, I may be tired most of the time, but no one truly succeeded without ever perspiring. Yes, it may be difficult but I know it would be worth it in the end.

Today is the only time for me to do these things. Let me do my best so that when I look back, I wouldn't have regrets in the end.

GOD BLESSes me.
and it His for His greater glory that I am doing what I am doing.

pissed off but trying not to

The title speaks for what I feel as of this moment. I am really troubled by what's happening. I don't know. I just want to do a lot of things and grow in a lot of ways. It's just that recently, I feel so stagnant.

I have always wanted a lot for myself. I have always dreamed BIG... and it sulks to feel that I don't feel like I am expanding in any sort other than my weight.

I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

Free from all expectations, free from every thing that inhibits me from becoming the person that I want to be or the person that I envision myself to be. Well, I don't exactly know what God wants me to be as of the moment but I know that He wants me to be a good person... and by being 'this' kind of a person right now in this very moment does not really speak well of how I am doing in terms of being what God wants me to be. But I know, right now, I need to feel this... because complacency is never good. Settling for something when you could have achieved more will not always be a best resort.

I don't exactly know why I am feeling 'this' way again. I am sad inside and it just seems that I have been setting a lot of goals but I am not materializing concrete steps. The most frustrating thing is that I am not only talking about the long term goals, but more of a day to day basis. Maybe I am indeed panicking inside. Maybe I am indeed in a chaotic situation wherein I am still standing on unsafe grounds. I don't know. I am just plain confused.

While they say that Happiness is a choice, sometimes I just can't avoid being true to myself. And while I suffer the consequences of being sad and terrible, at least I am becoming honest and I am informed that something IS wrong. Yes, it is hard to feel happy when you are really feeling sad, but maybe sometimes, feeling what you truly feel is even harder and to some lengths, more admirable, because in a sense, you face the truth and try to make light of whatever darkness is present.

I always know that GOD has a plan. And it will never hurt to trust HIM. Feeling all these anxieties may sometimes be too much but I know that in the long run, being honest would be healthier. In the end, the nest option still to surrender everything to the Almighty.

"Lord God, right now, I am really feeling sad. I know that You are arranging the best things for me. And I am sorry for feeling this way. I lift up all my fears to You. To You be the glory. Thank you for everything. And thank You for loving me."

The Lord is good and kind. He provides. And He will forever be with me.