The title speaks for what I feel as of this moment. I am really troubled by what's happening. I don't know. I just want to do a lot of things and grow in a lot of ways. It's just that recently, I feel so stagnant.
I have always wanted a lot for myself. I have always dreamed BIG... and it sulks to feel that I don't feel like I am expanding in any sort other than my weight.
I WANT TO BREAK FREE.
Free from all expectations, free from every thing that inhibits me from becoming the person that I want to be or the person that I envision myself to be. Well, I don't exactly know what God wants me to be as of the moment but I know that He wants me to be a good person... and by being 'this' kind of a person right now in this very moment does not really speak well of how I am doing in terms of being what God wants me to be. But I know, right now, I need to feel this... because complacency is never good. Settling for something when you could have achieved more will not always be a best resort.
I don't exactly know why I am feeling 'this' way again. I am sad inside and it just seems that I have been setting a lot of goals but I am not materializing concrete steps. The most frustrating thing is that I am not only talking about the long term goals, but more of a day to day basis. Maybe I am indeed panicking inside. Maybe I am indeed in a chaotic situation wherein I am still standing on unsafe grounds. I don't know. I am just plain confused.
While they say that Happiness is a choice, sometimes I just can't avoid being true to myself. And while I suffer the consequences of being sad and terrible, at least I am becoming honest and I am informed that something IS wrong. Yes, it is hard to feel happy when you are really feeling sad, but maybe sometimes, feeling what you truly feel is even harder and to some lengths, more admirable, because in a sense, you face the truth and try to make light of whatever darkness is present.
I always know that GOD has a plan. And it will never hurt to trust HIM. Feeling all these anxieties may sometimes be too much but I know that in the long run, being honest would be healthier. In the end, the nest option still to surrender everything to the Almighty.
"Lord God, right now, I am really feeling sad. I know that You are arranging the best things for me. And I am sorry for feeling this way. I lift up all my fears to You. To You be the glory. Thank you for everything. And thank You for loving me."
The Lord is good and kind. He provides. And He will forever be with me.
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