i need to stop it

yes.
i do need to stop these tormenting thoughts in my head caused by the very befuddling acts of a very unfathomable circumstance.
will i pm first?
will i text first?
will i approach first?
will i greet first?
of course NOT.
yes.
of course NOT.
but will i wait for the time when these things unfold in my eyes?
what if they don't happem?
then they are not just meant.
of course i'll not move in terms of this matter.
i am NOT one to initiate.
let it be...

talking to myself.
NO. i won't.

pmed me, at the onther end, also did pm someone else
bought me pasalubong, also bought someone else, for sure
texted me, texting someong else

that is the REALITY. i have forced it in myself even before.
yet i try to hang on to my own perplexed reality. perhaps for the reason that i have no other option i allow myself to have.

will i move?
NO.
i don't want to initiate.

leadership

Dear Blogger,

tomorrow we'll be having a seminar in SMAS. i am still preparing for it. we'll be the facilitator. i hope that everything will be fine. and i really pray that i start to move NOW. thanks!

God bless us all! :))

With love,

Lencey ;))

the power of braces!

just like to share the BIG improvement in my teeth:)

AFTER:

(hindi naman gross yung pic di ba?)

BEFORE:

wee. thanks doc! ;)) God bless

followup post

masakit.pero so what?
as if naman may magagawa.
mas mabuting masaktan ng ikaw lang ang may kasalananan..
am i always gonna resort to hurting myself when it comes to this aspect?
when will i learn to choose the right people?
Lord, we know that you have plans, i succumb to those. Amen.

stop the hurting.learn to smile amidst the
pain.

love. love. love. whatever!

okies, so i enjoy watching hwang gini. yah i do. why? i'll try to state the reasons here: but i tell you, i'm not diehard,hehe.

• yung ho is so cute.
  
• the storyline resembles that of memoirs of a geisha, and i tell you, i love both movie and book of memoirs of a geisha!
  
• i fancy the korean costume. hey, i'd like to wear that kind of costume one of these days! hahaha. honestly, that's the main thing that caught my attention!
  
• and lastly, i just enjoy the whole thing about their culture, korean culture that is! ;)

however, these past few episodes are quite different. they make me recall some events which, i know, are better forgotten or buried in the deepest recesses of my heart. i am not sure if they should be written here but i might, if time permits me to... or should i say, i might if my heart can cope with my storytelling.

honestly, everytime i get to watch love stories, hear love songs, see couples happy together, my heart seems to beat hard...the kind of beating that makes me aware that my heart really beats and that i am alive.

lately, i had this conversation with a teacher in highschool. we tackled a topic that is always asked of me whenever i see old friends. "kamusta ang lovelife mo?" the answer is simple. zero. and that's it. that very same teacher, as i remember was the one who warned me of becoming an old maid. when i was still in HS there's this guy who has a good background and character.. he courted me for about a year and it seems that people find him fitted for me. well, i did not return his feelings for me. i remember mam telling me that if that guy can indeed wait for me, we are meant to be... because in reality, i am the kind of person who is not easy to approach when it comes to love. it seems that she is telling me about my barriers, the walls i put around myself when it comes to heart matters.... she pointed to me that there can be a possibility that i can not find THE ONE.

that conversation again, seemed to steer me up. while chitchatting with my mama, i asked her about her and papa. looks like, they were already sweethearts when they were in second year college. so i blurted out THE JOKE, "so ma, dapat pala ay may boyfriend na ako?" of course, may mama was in all defense. since before, she has been the one who keeps me from having those kinds of relationships. but i thank her. i really do. it's because of her thaT i have these values. i am conservative, thanks to her. i am like this and like that.

my mama keeps on telling me, "pag nakatapos ka na, madali na lang yan... hindi ka tatandang dalaga. panget yung maraming naging boyfriend. wag kang manonoood ng sine ng kayong 2 lang. wag ganun, wag ganito." there's a lot of them, yeh, and i remember them up to this day. i love my parents and i don't want to commit another mistake. since after second year highschool, i have followed my parents. as in SOLID.

no wonder, hanggang ngayon, wala pa kong nakakaholding hands. haha, nakakatawa ako. no wonder, i get excited in watching movies or shows kahit gaano pa sila kababaw or kamushy. yes. cause i don't get to experience them in reality. i just know the feeling because of the kilig i get in watching them, that's how it is.

but i have to admit. i have fallen IN LOVE. i thought so???? siguro....... pero the kind of love that is not enough to fight. to believe. to stand firm. the kind of love that is weak and too personal.

takot akong talaga. cliche man. takot akong magmahal dahil takot akong iwanan at lokohin. takot akong ma-adik sa pagmamahal katulad ng ibang tao. takot akong maging dependent sa iba para lang maging masaya! takot akong magawan ng mga bagay na ayoko. takot ako........

but i know. by running away from love, i am experiencing my fears.

i got that phobia when i was in fourth year HS. the guy courted me for a long period of time. i did not reciprocate. he promised what every guy could promise. of course, i did not believe. i was the rational me. stupidity came along. the moment i trusted his words, he was gone. rar. i hate retelling this. his promises turned into puffs of thin air. he was nowhere to be found. it broke my heart...... he did not wait for me because maybe he was too tired.......too tired of ME, of me being insensitive and afraid. that time, i asked myself, if i have not been afraid, if i have followed my heart, if i have disobeyed my parents, perhaps, he did not leave. perhaps, we are happy. IFS anf BUTS. i hate them.

up to now, whenever i hear his name, i still get that feeling. i still daydream about it sometimes. but i know, it's not gonna go somewhere. i just laugh at myself whenever i need to..... i think i have mastered the manhid technique.

oo manhid ako.... sa mga ganitong
bagay... oo sobrang manhid ako.

he left, so what? he talked to me after a year. he still got the face to tell me, "maswerte ang mamahalin mo" sira ka. ikaw yun. IF he comes back, i don't know if i'll accept him or i'll let him feel the pain i have felt that time. BATTLES. pero isang malaking AS IF. AS IF BABALIK SIYA. at alam mo ha! ayoko naman na talaga sa iyo! nabubulagan lang ako! ikaw ikaw na nagbigay sa akin ng phobia! salamat sa iyo! nagkaphobia ako! mas maingat na ako ngayon! and although i know that i had self control before and you still managed to melt down my defenses, i say that's not gonna happen now........ i hope so. sana nga. er!

hm, thinking about it, when will you really know the right time? the right time to remove your barriers? will there be a right time? will i be aware when that time comes?

Lord, it's up to You.

duh still.. calculus is easier than love. seriously...

hahahhah, i can laugh at myself now. posting this kind of thing. pero sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako nang walang rason. eto yung mga panahong iniisip ko na sana pasukan na lang para hindi ko naiisip ang mga ganitong bagay! hahha, sooper laugh trip.

oops, may pelikula si john lloyd at bea! hahhahha, excited na ako. mukhang maganda ang topic. as usual, relationships, yung wala ako pag romantic sense na.

hm, hm, hm, but honestly, i like what's happening, in a sense. siguro mas okie na ito para mas focused ako sa mga bagay na MAS dapat pinagtutuunang pansin. at ayoko pa talagang isipin ang lovelife. nagdadrama lang ako ngayon para madrama. redundant pero totoo. aww.

may technique ako eh. i fall for people who will not fall for me. i feel hurt but it's better. yun yun. and i think, i'll continue to be this way until i meet God's choice for me. when that time comes, i will just see God winking at me, witnessing His marvelous plans. need to trust in HIM.

are you a terrorist?

so here i am again! --> looks like a line from a song huh? currently, i am watching the NEWS. the NEWS about the explosion in G2 yesterday. oh honestly, i haven't even gone to that place, but i know pretty well how it feels to be there. i am a self acclaimed mall rat and yeh, same time the mall exploded yesterday, i was actually enjoying a foot spa with my mama. and yes, while we're there, enjoying ourselves, indulging our senses to the relaxing ambiance the service offers, people at the other end of the metropolitan were exchanging screams and wails... their faces teeming with unexplainable expressions, their minds, clouded with fear, of apprehension, of questions whether they'll still be alive tomorrow. i can not imagine the whole scenario. my heart seems to tear apart whenever i think of the reason behind such criminal and inhumane acts. honestly, i am affected. does cruelty really exist in such a manner? are there really such kind of people who pursue personal interests in exchange for lives of innocent people?

i know, i have always believed that we can not judge people. we can not pass judgment as if we're clean and full of innocence. we can not say that those who do wrong should be condemned.i can not say that what they did was totally selfish because neither do I know their intentions. perhaps, we'll never know... but for some of them, the mere act itself culd be a sure sign of bravery, of a commitment to a brotherhood of some sort, perhaps for them the bombing was even a significant act of heroism. i don't know their story. i don't know what they are up to! what i just know is that in the code of moral ethics i have been aware of for since i came to understand this world, what they did was heartless, forbidding, brutal, pitiless, vindictive.!!

yes...i have always been a firm believer of what Anne Frank has taught all of us. "Everyone of us has innate goodness...." that's what she says. yet it hurts to see that there are some people who are willing to compromise this much. yeh, THIS MUCH. the lives of people who are unarmed to fight.

it then makes me realize one thing.....one thing that i have not anticipated before writing this.

in some sense, every person has a tendency to become a terrorist.

what does a terrorist do? in my OWN perspective, a terrorist destroys lives when he commits acts that are selfish.

oooh yes. the only difference is that a terrorist gets lives of people in a snap! in a direct way that catches too much attention and publicity. but anyhow, the same thing is done when a lawyer who knows that his client is guilty continues to do everything, legal or not, just to win his case; the same is when an engineer sacrifices the quality materials of a project for the sake of getting a higher kickback!, when in fact, that project can turn into a disaster once distributed in the market for people to use and consume; yes, the same is for the cook of a restaurant who does not do his best in his craft.... he uses unsanitary practices, packs unhealthy foods, like the ones being shown on expose shows and a lot more. ; and the most common example, the same is for the politician who lets his budget go high while people in despondent areas starve and die. i don't wonder why the president is accused of being a suspect in this bombing incident. people are miserable. they will do anything to get attention. we all are..... and this issue is but a proof of how our country is sinking deeper into the cuts of division. and also an evidence of how lax we can get when it comes to national matters.

the truth is, "whenever we put forward our personal interests in trade for others' good, then we become a terrorist in some sense..."

crazy though, some are even attributing this weird event to the victories of manny pacquiao!? hah, what is his part here? sometimes, i just can';t understand how the minds of people work. but i have to give credit to that person though! he is sure keen and observant.

as i end this post, i know that victims of the G2 bombing are still in awe and ache. i pray fpr them.

may the good Lord bless us all. and of course, we juts have to keep our faith in HIM and in HIS plans for our country.

a lesson from inday

"Sometimes you just can’t tell someone how you feel, not because you dont trust them, and not because they will think that you’re weird but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand. It makes you frustrated. People take things 100 different ways, and that’s why it’s so hard."

waw. she's absolutely right! :))

need to rush some kapatid's project! bbyeh ;))

my day yesterday

i'm going to begin this entry with the right word so that i won't tire myself typing it over and over again...

YESTERDAY...

i have proven how i have lost my sense of date and time in a way. imagine that? i went to Quezon City for no reason at all.. well of course that was after i came to the realization that i was certainly out of homebounds for NO APPARENT REASON! ooh my, looks like my cellphone wants to teach me a lesson. yeh i admit, for the past year, actually, since i had that Motorola V3i, i did not take text messages seriously. for me, everytime my cellphone beeps, there's just a person who's making the most out of his/her unli and trying to send me spam messages, like in emails you know. and duh, from then on, i do not usually read text messages unless they have my name on it or my intuition tells me that it is really for me. so there you go, i missed the text of my YFC householdmates. the household that was supposed to be next week, i thought was yesterday! haha, so much fun huh?

so while i was in the jeepney ride from philcoa to sm north, there's this little battle going on inside my head:

boring side: hey, go home now!

adventurous side: oops, time to go malling!

boring side: but what about my parents? they thought i'm somewhere in Intramuros by this time?

adventurous side: then tell them the truth and then you go to the mall! time to have fun alone sis!

hahah, and thanks to the jeepney driver who went overboard that u-turn, i just found myself strolling towards TRINOMA. and i tell you, it was fun, really fun!:))

i went around the mall, as in, pure libot. i finished a book at powerbooks, ate alone at kfc and played at timezone! it was so so so fun, although the idea that i was actually alone seems to make other people question the integrity of my statement. oh well, since before i have considered myself a loner, not in its fullest sense though.

back in high school, where my classmates.....uhm, i don't think i still need to recall those events. heavy heart enters here.

and yes, yes, i really enjoyed. haha, there were even some hilarious thoughts on my mind while i was having the tour around trinoma. weird though, i'm gonna let them out. haha

i have thought that perhaps, my prince charming is also in trinoma and its the opportuniy for us to finally meet! haha, totally hilarious i know!! but what can i do? i guess, when you're alone, you allow your mind to wander even the most absurd ideas that you don't usually want to explore.

there was actually a couple there whom i have seen a couple of times. well, i was just exaggerating things, but come to think of it, the mall is so big, how come you meet people more than once? hahahah, crazy me, i was thinking that we're meeting for a reason. hahahah, oh well, oh well, enough of this tremendous 'imagination' that my prince charming was there! hahah, it was just real funny and just to add, i was totally pa-cute while alone, yak, not in a revealing sense though:))

and oops, i just remember, i think i have mentioned here that i'm gonna post a review of the things i have read or seen in the movies. they're like being accumulated and i just can't promise that i'll be able to write all of the reviews but perhaps, some other time right!?

hm, right now, i have so many plans for the coming sembreak! weee :)) ooh, sorry, my mistake! my sembreak has come now! hahahah, i need to enjoy it to the fullest! tomorrow, i'll be meeting with my kikay highshool BESTfriends and i hope i can post our picture here! :)) not with our faces of course! witty me huh!:))

and yes, i'm gonna be posting a pic of me soon;)) oh well, i'm still thinking about the future of this blogsite. 3 people already know the url and i am not sure if i am willing to share it further! hahaha, no one's stalking me, i know but there's just something about private blogging.... private-no one knows it's you:))

hm, this vacation, i think i need to improve my o2jam skills! hahaah, the kid in me is telling that! and oh! my sakura dvds! i haven't touched them for months! i need to return them to my friends come November, or should i say, come classes rime! wee;))

so many things to do, so many memories to share. until then ;)) :))

so many stories left unsaid

yeh tomorrow, i'll post THE story!

i will make it up to you :))

i'll first watch Hwang Gini :))

yes, i am indeed EXCITED:))

woot, wee:)) wee is becoming my favorite expression these past few days, haha, although i remember that before, i really don't like the word. things really change, or should i say situations change!

wahahaha, i can't attempt to sleep although tomorow, i'll be going to Intramuros together with my householdmates in YFC. i have joined this org just last semester and although i have attended our household just once, i appreciate the bonding that we have because when people gather for God, things just seem so so so so easier. yah really! i had attended a lot of youth slash religious conventions and being friends with people whom you don't intially know can be as easy as snapping your finger. they're real nice. well you also have to be nice. oh may i add? sincerely nice, that is!:))

actually, i am just excited in seeing my blog... i am really happy regarding this stuff. i am glad that i have finally started. and so and so, i'm gonna share some happenings in my life today! hahah :))

wee:))

so i woke up about 8:30 am! thanks to my mama's alarm! ooh, i hated it! supposedly, that alarm did not sound so loud and alarming, nice term, i could have woke up at around 10 am! oh well, i jus twatched myx, yehey!!! i had the time to watch tv! then i watched more tv. i went at the mall and ate lunch with my parents. i can't remember the last time we did that! yah, it's just right now that i appeciate that moment..... thanks to blogging. hm, and then we, yes the three of us, atched i've fallen for you! haha, cornnny! my papa even wanted to watch rogue assassin all by himelf but i insisted that we watch the movie altogether. i know, my mama likes that movie too. then then, we fetch mybrother from school, my parents went to my grandfather's and my brother and i went home. i watched The Devil WearsPrada, read a magazine, texted my friends, ooh yeh, i have a load now, it's been like three weeks without cellphone credits!, and then more tv and internet. ooohlalalalla, vacation time, i love you! heheheh, wee:)) looks like i am enjoying myself too much, i need to sleep. i am planning to give my reviews about the movies i have watched! and oh, i am also currently reading some novels of Nicholas Sparks, i love them. although doing so stresses the point that i have no romantic thingies right now! hahah :))

and now, i am chatting with my friend who happens to have love issues, well, his issues about his love, i'm not included in the story, and ooh, i'm sleepy. good night for now!:))

i am finally starting!! isn't that exciting?

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.” as for me, the days wherein all my thoughts and memories linger only in my mind halt for now... of course, some will be here, preserved in the webpages of history.

new beginnings always excite me. though i have to admit that at times, they give me that weird jitter, make my heart beat 10 times faster and worst, make me insomniac for a whole night... hahahha, i suddenly remember, up to now, nights before days of exams, first day of classes or big events, i usually can't sleep. haha, much for a wrong timing adrenaline rush!!!

now, i'm starting a new thing again. and honestly, honestly, i mean to keep this... as long as i could. i have thought of making this thing as an outlet of the things that flutter in my mind like buterflies dangling over honeyscented flowers, although the comparison might not be that appropriate. i know, i just know, this is where i can face myself, review my feelings over happenings or perhaps, people. this is where i can be myself, unafraid to explore my emotions and unleash them to the world that has most often judged me in a way that i have not always understood. oh well, that's it, that's their way and this is my way...

i grew up being the person who have so many things to say. i have so many things in my mind, but most often, the majority of them, i just keep to myself. but mind you, i still blurt out some weird ideas and there were moments when i am caught off guard and penalized for my wrong choice of words. hahahha, well, still i know that deep down in my heart i never really intend to hurt anyone. that's just too rude for me. oh no, i am not making an excuse, that's for real... it's just that my being "taklesa" just can't get the hang of me. hahaha, so much for this stuff.

this blog is meant to be shared but it is not meant to be shared. yah, in a different context that is! it's just that i don't like to exploit my private thoughts in a "sooper" manner. i will not define sooper, that's kinda sooper for me too., but the thing is, this is for me. hahahah, the anonymous part of me. that's pretty obvious! hahahah:))

as i write this, i don't care whether people think that i'm just a shallow fellow over here, not anymore, or not in the way i used to think when i was in high school. perhaps, there's just a turning point in your life when you begin to feel that you just can't really please everyone. haha, but of course don't be such a primadonna and piss people off! hhaahaha, that's a different story. well, at least, try to be your nicest self. :)) wink))

i'm not gonna place my identity. but i know that this is the beginning of me, knowing myself evenmore through the very same images i think of myself...in a different perspective.