love. love. love. whatever!

okies, so i enjoy watching hwang gini. yah i do. why? i'll try to state the reasons here: but i tell you, i'm not diehard,hehe.

• yung ho is so cute.
  
• the storyline resembles that of memoirs of a geisha, and i tell you, i love both movie and book of memoirs of a geisha!
  
• i fancy the korean costume. hey, i'd like to wear that kind of costume one of these days! hahaha. honestly, that's the main thing that caught my attention!
  
• and lastly, i just enjoy the whole thing about their culture, korean culture that is! ;)

however, these past few episodes are quite different. they make me recall some events which, i know, are better forgotten or buried in the deepest recesses of my heart. i am not sure if they should be written here but i might, if time permits me to... or should i say, i might if my heart can cope with my storytelling.

honestly, everytime i get to watch love stories, hear love songs, see couples happy together, my heart seems to beat hard...the kind of beating that makes me aware that my heart really beats and that i am alive.

lately, i had this conversation with a teacher in highschool. we tackled a topic that is always asked of me whenever i see old friends. "kamusta ang lovelife mo?" the answer is simple. zero. and that's it. that very same teacher, as i remember was the one who warned me of becoming an old maid. when i was still in HS there's this guy who has a good background and character.. he courted me for about a year and it seems that people find him fitted for me. well, i did not return his feelings for me. i remember mam telling me that if that guy can indeed wait for me, we are meant to be... because in reality, i am the kind of person who is not easy to approach when it comes to love. it seems that she is telling me about my barriers, the walls i put around myself when it comes to heart matters.... she pointed to me that there can be a possibility that i can not find THE ONE.

that conversation again, seemed to steer me up. while chitchatting with my mama, i asked her about her and papa. looks like, they were already sweethearts when they were in second year college. so i blurted out THE JOKE, "so ma, dapat pala ay may boyfriend na ako?" of course, may mama was in all defense. since before, she has been the one who keeps me from having those kinds of relationships. but i thank her. i really do. it's because of her thaT i have these values. i am conservative, thanks to her. i am like this and like that.

my mama keeps on telling me, "pag nakatapos ka na, madali na lang yan... hindi ka tatandang dalaga. panget yung maraming naging boyfriend. wag kang manonoood ng sine ng kayong 2 lang. wag ganun, wag ganito." there's a lot of them, yeh, and i remember them up to this day. i love my parents and i don't want to commit another mistake. since after second year highschool, i have followed my parents. as in SOLID.

no wonder, hanggang ngayon, wala pa kong nakakaholding hands. haha, nakakatawa ako. no wonder, i get excited in watching movies or shows kahit gaano pa sila kababaw or kamushy. yes. cause i don't get to experience them in reality. i just know the feeling because of the kilig i get in watching them, that's how it is.

but i have to admit. i have fallen IN LOVE. i thought so???? siguro....... pero the kind of love that is not enough to fight. to believe. to stand firm. the kind of love that is weak and too personal.

takot akong talaga. cliche man. takot akong magmahal dahil takot akong iwanan at lokohin. takot akong ma-adik sa pagmamahal katulad ng ibang tao. takot akong maging dependent sa iba para lang maging masaya! takot akong magawan ng mga bagay na ayoko. takot ako........

but i know. by running away from love, i am experiencing my fears.

i got that phobia when i was in fourth year HS. the guy courted me for a long period of time. i did not reciprocate. he promised what every guy could promise. of course, i did not believe. i was the rational me. stupidity came along. the moment i trusted his words, he was gone. rar. i hate retelling this. his promises turned into puffs of thin air. he was nowhere to be found. it broke my heart...... he did not wait for me because maybe he was too tired.......too tired of ME, of me being insensitive and afraid. that time, i asked myself, if i have not been afraid, if i have followed my heart, if i have disobeyed my parents, perhaps, he did not leave. perhaps, we are happy. IFS anf BUTS. i hate them.

up to now, whenever i hear his name, i still get that feeling. i still daydream about it sometimes. but i know, it's not gonna go somewhere. i just laugh at myself whenever i need to..... i think i have mastered the manhid technique.

oo manhid ako.... sa mga ganitong
bagay... oo sobrang manhid ako.

he left, so what? he talked to me after a year. he still got the face to tell me, "maswerte ang mamahalin mo" sira ka. ikaw yun. IF he comes back, i don't know if i'll accept him or i'll let him feel the pain i have felt that time. BATTLES. pero isang malaking AS IF. AS IF BABALIK SIYA. at alam mo ha! ayoko naman na talaga sa iyo! nabubulagan lang ako! ikaw ikaw na nagbigay sa akin ng phobia! salamat sa iyo! nagkaphobia ako! mas maingat na ako ngayon! and although i know that i had self control before and you still managed to melt down my defenses, i say that's not gonna happen now........ i hope so. sana nga. er!

hm, thinking about it, when will you really know the right time? the right time to remove your barriers? will there be a right time? will i be aware when that time comes?

Lord, it's up to You.

duh still.. calculus is easier than love. seriously...

hahahhah, i can laugh at myself now. posting this kind of thing. pero sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako nang walang rason. eto yung mga panahong iniisip ko na sana pasukan na lang para hindi ko naiisip ang mga ganitong bagay! hahha, sooper laugh trip.

oops, may pelikula si john lloyd at bea! hahhahha, excited na ako. mukhang maganda ang topic. as usual, relationships, yung wala ako pag romantic sense na.

hm, hm, hm, but honestly, i like what's happening, in a sense. siguro mas okie na ito para mas focused ako sa mga bagay na MAS dapat pinagtutuunang pansin. at ayoko pa talagang isipin ang lovelife. nagdadrama lang ako ngayon para madrama. redundant pero totoo. aww.

may technique ako eh. i fall for people who will not fall for me. i feel hurt but it's better. yun yun. and i think, i'll continue to be this way until i meet God's choice for me. when that time comes, i will just see God winking at me, witnessing His marvelous plans. need to trust in HIM.