Awesome.

It's time to be awesome again. Lonely period needs to be over. And nowI realize how much time I have wasted.

Abandonment

I know in my heart that I must be making the best out of my experience here but just like all of my excuses when I leave the optimistic zone and face my real emotions, just for this night, let me be myself.

I miss talking and being understood without any language barrier or without thinking/worrying if what I meant was really understood. I guess my face is acting weird recently and I so miss the feeling of laughing for real and mot just faking it for the sake of not being left out. Yes I know it is pathetic. I said I will fight and I will win this battle but it is just so tiring to always be on the preppy side and see the silver lining in every cloud all the time.

I guess my mentor was right when she said that I might experience frustrations again. And yes, she is so right. Living together with global recruits, with people who share the same sentiment with yours is so comforting.

Heck, living some miles away from those people and being practically the sole english speaker is frustrating. Yes I want to learn Nihongo and maybe this is really the best chance to indulge myself with everyday Nihongo and be the beat I can be. Forgive me if I am complaining. I guess I am just tired.

Or maybe the loneliness is creeping in. Because really, I am different. I am not Japanese. And it is sad when you want to understand them and reach out but feel that it is so difficult and sometimes burdensome.

I guess I have to find peace in cold silence. And arrange my face in a manner that is not cold.

Bec srsly, I did not know when it started but my facial expression is becoming colder and colder. I miss sunshine.

I miss the city. Or maybe I just miss he feeling of being cared for and loved. Wth.