And this statement proves some things.
First, is that my memory is failing me at this moment.
Second, is that I have been feeling a recurring sentiment for some time now...
And third, is that I haven't managed to solve or to improve the current situation.
Battling with yourself is never easy, especially when you know what you want to do yet you can't seem to do it. The reasons? All the alibis you can imagine.
I have always been telling myself to push myself to the limits, achieve whatever I can while I haven't reached my 30s yet and experience greater things that are outside of my comfort zone. Yet, then and again, I find myself typing this blog post, "complaining" on how my battle with myself seems to not go anywhere.
It is a battle of productivity... of achieving your dreams and goals... of making it bigger.
Ooops.... Now, let me stop this train of thought for a while and write something about a particular moment when I wrote the text above.
"achieving your dreams and goals..." "making it bigger"
I cringed. What do these words mean? What do I want to do? What are my dreams and goals?? Where do I want to make it big????
They say that writing your thoughts can help you think more clearly and at this moment, I just hit on a realization that my dreams and goals are not really clear to me... and maybe that is the main reason why my battle with productivity is not moving forward. I don't see an end goal.
I know I want to have my own lovely family, have kids and have a comfortable life.
Career wise? I can see myself working for something with value and impact. Maybe being a boss for a well known company or maybe even working for the government. I have some other ideas which I choose not to share here, but other than that, I have no clear picture.
What do I want in life?
I guess I need to ask this to myself again and now, do better in finding answers.
I have been
All this time, what I was thinking is that I lack self discipline that's why I can't seem to be productive. No. What I lack is a clearer vision of what I want to do with my life and what I want to achieve... that's why I can't seem to push myself harder and give myself enough motivation to be more productive.
...And I only realized that while writing this blog post. Cringed again.
I have set some previous goals before but it seems that they were all written in water, with no concrete timeline, plans and specifics.
I guess I have to re-evaluate my dreams and goals and then just do it. Time is ticking but I can't really say that I have wasted 5 years of my life here, because with it also come some achievements and good experiences... It is time to move forward.
The past is called past for a reason, and the future brings promises with it. And first, I have to know, I have to clearly picture... What do I want for myself after all of these? What future promise do I want to claim for myself? What are my dreams? What is my ultimate goal????
Just do it does not make sense without a purpose.
I have to search mine and picture it clearly in my head.
I have to have an idea on what can wake me up in the morning, driven with passion and enthusiasm.
I have to know where I want to go.
And maybe, just maybe, if I can do these things,
I can naturally gravitate towards the realization of my dreams.
3 comments:
Hi Clarence! I stumbled upon your blog while searching for the word "迷っている" (yes, that's me since 2014!) Your other article which contains that word made me curious about you which took me to this article. Like you, I stayed in Japan for about 5 years and it seems like we have the same dilemma.
I love Japan - the environment, the people, the culture, all of it! But, I longed to do more career-wise. I want to be challenged. I want to discover my full potential. Back then, I also had plans and goals (even timelines) but I pursue nothing. I had been too comfortable in Japan. And as they say, comfort zone is a beautiful place but nothing ever grows there. So one Thursday morning, after a lot of considerations, I decided to talk to my boss and told him I'd like to go home to PH.
When I left Japan, I felt like I broke up with the love of my life. Yes, I'm serious. It was so painful that after 6 months I decided to go back on a short term project. It was fun at first. But after the excitement was gone, realization settled in. The old discontentment that I felt before came back. I wanted to do more again. I know I can do more. So I left the second time.
Home is the exact opposite of Japan, but here is where I have a chance to grow and makes me push myself and strive for more. I can't say I am satisfied now. I still miss Japan often. And, I'm still 迷っている. But now I know that no matter how I love Japan, it cannot give me the "more" that I wanted.
My point is, you can choose to stay and be comfortable. Or, you can brave yourself and go do whatever you want (whether in Japan or anywhere else). The best time is now. I'm not really qualified to give you any unsolicited advise cause I myself am a work in progress. Leaving someplace you love (your comfort zone) is a huge leap of faith. It's hard but I did it. I know you can too. So, just do it!
Oh, and let me add, if you don't really know what you want, just start somewhere. In my case, I started when I decided to leave Japan.
I occasionally look back and think the past years was indeed a wonderful journey. I'll keep those memories and experiences vivid as long as I can (hopefully forever). But right now, I'm determined to move forward and be excited about the future.
Hello Anonymous!
I am not sure if you will be able to see this reply, but I would like to thank you for sharing your own story. Japan, indeed, has become a comfort zone, especially with regards to way of living... but the ironic thing is that, work wise, it might not be too comforting! Like what you mentioned, there is always that eagerness to search for "more".
Right now, I am still in the midst of deciding what to do. This comment of yours made me see another perspective. In the end, it is still going to be a huge leap of faith. I hope I can really just do it!
I am happy that you're content with the decision you made and I hope that you'll continuously look forward to the future! Keep in touch! Cheers!!
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