Indecisiveness

I have always admitted that I am an indecisive person.
Here in Japan, they have a term such as 迷っている(read as MAYOTTEIRU), meaning, lost.
I do not know if that is a good thing but one thing is for sure, it takes away much of my thinking time.

Whenever I need to make a BIG decision, what I always do is to ask the people around me. And then, I pray. And then I do the LIST thing. (The LIST things is when I write two columns and I write the PROs and CONS.) This is a bit tricky because somehow, the thing that I really want wins. And when something wins, I pray again and hope I made the right decision. But then again, I talk to others again. And yes, there is that very big chance that I might be swayed again. And so, I just toss a coin. But then there's a saying that, "If you want to know what you really want, toss a coin. You'll know what your heart knows the moment just before the coin lands."

These methods always work. And what I have noticed for the past events, I always manage to make the DIFFICULT CHOICE.


I did this first when I was choosing my course for my University. I was torn between BROADCAST COMMUNICATIONS, ACCOUNTANCY AND ELECTRONICS ENGINEERING. I instantly crossed out Accountancy because I know that I only included that because people were saying that it you pass that in the entrance exam of the university, you must be really good. But that reason was so pointless. All my high school life, all the activities I did leaned to Broadcasting. I was so active in joining speech contests inside and outside school. I was part of the school paper and I was President of the Student Council. I was a Media Personality, at least in our school. Also, I remember that when I was a kid, I wanted to become a newscaster. (I also wanted to become a scientist back then... because the word scientist was cool when you were a first grader.) In summary, I was fitted to be in the BROADCASTING field. But obviously, I chose ECE.

Back then, I think my father has influenced my decision. But I guess the main reason was that because I wanted to have a family. And truth be told, I did not want to be so famous or to be a celebrity. If I become a newscaster, I might be so famous that I might not be able to live a normal life. This reason was so silly it seems like a joke but actually, I considered this. HAHAHA. But I think the primary reason was that I wanted to challenge myself. And Yes, ECE challenged me. It was a hard course but I managed to survive and until now, I still think that it was the right choice.

I always choose the hard choice.
I always choose the one which my heart wants.
I went to Japan because I followed my heart even though my mind was saying that there were so many risks.

Now, I need to make a decision again. A major decision that can affect my life here. I listened to my heart and it says NO. But when I analyze the situation, sometimes, I wish my heart just says YES.

But the thing is, should you make a decision just because you are afraid of the possible consequences that other people might bestow on you if you don't follow the majority? is doing a good thing really good when you're doing it out of fear and not out of your own willingness?

I recently heard that PARANOIA CAN SAVE LIVES.
If that is so, I wish I can be saved.

I really feel so restless these past few days because of this thing that occupies my mind. I am just praying to God so hard this decision I made is for the best and can not in any way affect anything. I am praying so hard that I can surpass whatever effects this may lead to. I pray so hard that God always lead me to the right and safe path.

Being indecisive is not really a good trait most of the time. And I guess that is one thing I really have to work hard to improve.